Friday, October 27, 2006

every gut-fiber i have
like the e-string of an acoustic guitar
buzzed a soft warning
when you entered the scene.

but i let you in
let you
get under my skin

which i
of course

Thursday, October 26, 2006

i'm moving to austin.

one week.

Monday, October 16, 2006

the life of the farmer, it always appealed to me

i've been working for colby the past few days at the comic book shop. over the past year and a half, whilst trying to balance part-time work here with either the full-time job overnights at plastipak, or a number of other part-time gigs, i've left him stranded a couple of times without my help. it's a personal thing, and i've made the exception with all of them at one time or another, usually not by choice but by exhaustion alone, and simply oversleeping an alarm. so i owed him a day or two on the clock, without having to be here -- i don't know when the last time he had a vacation was, let alone a paid one. plus, any other employer would have canned my ass by now, but colby's been exceptionally understanding.

so here i am, about to wrap up my workday. it's been a slow day, the cold and rainy weather outside keeping downtown foot traffic to a minimum. i've spent the afternoon arranging my playlist for shrink wrap tomorrow night (tune in, it's going to be a good one! there should be a "listen live" link of some sort, somewhere on the main page), and digging for info about the bands i'm playing. seven hours have all but flown by.

i came in to find a memo from the city of champaign, addressed to downtown business associates, about the panhandling problem in our downtown area. it's been written in response to "several concerns" presented to city staff to inform us all on the legal rights of business owners regarding panhandling, and to educate the "patron/citizen" about panhandling. i didn't know, but assumed, that people do have the right to ask for money or donations (and autographs!) on city sidewalks. it appears the legal lines blur when it comes to a business such as a sidewalk cafe, or a beer garden, that are directly affected by what happens outside of their store -- it's all pretty depressing, in general. i set it aside at noon, to read later. still sitting.

aside from that, plaguing my peripheral vision, and my playlist, i've been consumed by the conversation going on in my head. a lot of it is the normal left hemisphere vs right hemisphere bloodbath regarding what the hell i'm doing with my life. recently, that job in austin has made its way back to the table, as well as another couple of prospects: ups, possibly offering tuition assistance and the chance to return to school full-time; staff management's NBD team (remember the "traveling" branch of staff management i ran into in austin?) recruiting for open positions; nicholas, and the idea to maybe host him on my futon while he finishes a degree; lauren. i don't know what to do with myself.

i feel pulled to austin. i find myself making excuses as to why it makes sense to take the job, if it's offered (al called me the other day just to tell me i'm "in," that my resume was perfect) -- but it really boils down to my wanting to go. i want to go! i (think i) want to do radio, which i have great opportunities for here, with wpgu. the only reason i'm working so much and so hard is so i can afford to take a course at parkland, so i'm technically a "student" and don't fuck up the shot i have at being program director next year. but why do i want to do that? i love being a dj, and yeah, it'd be great to get a feel for running a station or staff, to combine the experience i've accrued working in management and a passion for music and creativity, and it would look great on a resume (isn't that, like, the worst reason to do something?). but so would throwing myself into as big a music scene as austin is, and starting anew. the job with staff management makes it a careful risk, and it'd surely allow me the time to pursue it. the foremost reason i had for leaving plastipak was that it was draining me emotionally, and i needed more time to myself and my future. i do find myself more available, emotionally, than before. but now my schedule is physically killing me, and with uiuc harping me for debt payments and christmas around the corner, i'm stressed out about money all over again. it just doesn't make sense, i don't want to do this. yes, working hard and paying for school and finishing my degree, after all i've been through, could make for the most satisfying feeling of accomplisment ever. but that's only if everything works out picture-perfectly. i.e. to finish at uiuc, i'd definitely have to keep working; ups would have to offer that assistance; and to finish sooner rather than later, i'd need to finish what i started in the acting department, which complicates working, because there'll be shows or rehearsals every night, so they'd have to meet me halfway...

and why kill myself trying, you know? if that's not even what i (think i) want to do.

sigh. closing time. peace.